These past three days have been rough. I started Sunday thinking of a list of my motivations - my reasons for losing weight. My friend Jamie made one and I thought it was an awesome idea, something I could hang next to my little black dress on my wall - the one I hope to fit into soon. With my list came a litany of emotions and I thought since I am coming clean and being honest on this blog, I should just let it all out and be done with it and work to move on from here on out. So... I'm sorry this is going to be a mostly selfish blog entry, not so much informative, but maybe someday it will help someone else in a similar situation.
Elementary school was a nightmare for me. I started out in Kindergarten in Oklahoma, we moved to Texas for 1st grade and I went to a Christian private school and it was nothing short of horrifying - they MADE me lie - they asked every first grader to write a story about something they stole. I told my teacher I had never stolen anything and she said "Everyone has, just think" and when I told her I had honestly never stolen anything, even accidentally she grew exasperated with me and the entire class was looking at me. I felt like an outcast so I made up some story about stealing a cookie out of a cookie jar in a neighbor's apartment... I went home in tears. Mom withdrew me and enrolled me at another smaller private school where I went for 3 years, then in 4th grade I had to go to a public school, luckily I had a few neighborhood friends at that school, but the transition was still a little tough. 6th grade I had to move to yet another school in another town - I once decided to be color coordinated and wore a black and yellow number... only to be called "bumblebee" for the rest of the day with kids laughing at me, including my crush. Luckily (maybe unluckily) we stayed in the same town from 7th grade through 12th. Anyway, the early transitions to 4 different elementary schools were rough... I had also hit that awkward stage before the growth spurt where kids get chubby, then sprout up. Unfortunately I already had an "outsider" complex and kids making fun of my weight just made it that much worse. I bucked up, when 7th grade hit I ran for student council president and got it, I was a cheerleader, on the track team, basketball team, but something else happened. In these junior high years I barely made the basketball team (my dad and brothers all played basketball throughout school), I think they let me on because I was crying. Then came time for our team pictures and I had a pudgy belly and in the group shot of cheerleaders one popular girl was mad because she had to be the person on her hands and knees while another girl stood on her back so... I ended up being that person. It wouldn't have been a problem if that's what I was given, but I was next to the head cheerleader in the picture and this girl was talking about how stupid it made her feel, etc., etc. - basically she was complaining about looking like a "dog" so then I got demoted to that position, reluctantly. Yeah, it's true - things stick with you from early on and if you used to be a bully, you may want to think about that.
I can already see this is going to be too long-winded so I'm going to break it down and just get through the rest of this. In high school I was sexually harassed by a classmate, propositioned, and horrified from there after. I didn't want anything to do with any boys and pretty much stayed away, secretly harboring whatever crushes I had. I wanted to get out of high school, after the harassment I put on a little more weight. After high school I was raped by my boyfriend at the time and my world fell apart. I had held on to the ideology of "one person for life" and that virginity belongs to the husband and wife, etc. I stayed in the relationship and gained more weight and finally broke the relationship off after years. A few years later I ran into the person I truly thought was the love of my life, except that he cheated on me with at least one girl, he was a master manipulator and I wasn't in good shape mentally so it was easy to continue in a relationship based on distrust - I did it once, maybe this one was different and he wasn't lying to me though. So no, as it turns out... he wasn't. So from the weight gain that started in high school and only recently ended... I added 150 lbs. to my 5'8" frame.
I'm fortunate that I have not suffered any health problems from the weight gain, blood tests are all exceptional, blood pressure is great, blood glucose levels are exceptional, cholesterol is low, by all means - I have maintained "health" while growing obese. Mentally is another story altogether. I'm broken, I broke down this weekend, did everything I was supposed to do, but as I wrote my motivations, I had to think back on all the things I wanted to be... so, without further ado, here is my list:
1.) To dance again. My passion was always dance, even next to the stick figure ballerinas... one thing that made me feel wonderful was dance. It's who I am and I will be a dancer again... soon. To dance in a leotard and tights and not feel like the hippos in Fantasia.
2.) To help other people struggling with their health because of their weight - I want to help people, but if you don't help yourself first... how can another person trust you to help them?
3.) To not be ashamed of going to the pool in a swimming suit.
4.) To do more active things and take photographs - hiking, mountain biking, rock climbing, skiing, snowboarding, kayaking...
5.) To do whatever I want to do and have nothing holding me back from reaching my goals.
6.) To love myself and take this weight off that I've been using as a buffer between myself and society.
7.) To be the person I know I am and have always known is inside of me. I don't feel like a person that lazes around, munches, lazes around some more, does the bare minimum... I feel like a person that can do anything, it's time to stop being that scared girl and see the strength that brought me this far.
8.) Cocktail dresses... I have always wanted to wear these cute dresses, but I just look ridiculous in them... :)
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